King of the Hill

[Avaerilon]

*draws greatsword*

Get back to work you lazy churls! I want this floor so clean you could eat your dinner off it!

[United Democracy of Scientists]

*Whips the mop at Ava, splashing him.*

[Avaerilon]

*sighs, looks at his water-stained garments*

You, sir, are a philistine. This is finest silk! I can only imagine my tailor-

*a small, grey blur charges into the room and pins UDS down with some scissors and a tape measure*

-will be very upset, and indeed he is.

[United Democracy of Scientists]

*Struggles under Ava's Sanic fast tailor.*

"Tell, me both of you. Yes, you, Ana. Feeling a bit numb?"

[Goncar]

Gradually sits on throne and grabs some popcorn.

[United Democracy of Scientists]

"Ah, yes, of course you are.

Hydrofluoric acid truly is a fascinating substance. Not quite as corrosive as hydrochloric, sulfuric, or nitric, but so much more deadly. That mop? It wasn't soaked in mere water. Do me a favor and take a look at your exposed skin. Ah, yes! Note the decolorization! It's already taking on that greenish, dead, pale look that living tissue gets when it's attacked by the stuff. Don't worry, though. It's already leeched into your bloodstream by now to issue in a quick death. Cardiac tissue doesn't function quite so well when your calcium levels are depleted from fluoride contamination."

*Ava and Ana begin to hunch over, and soon lose both consciousness and respiratory function. The tailor is stabbed in the throat by a hidden laboratory scalpel.*

"Out, out, brief candle!"

*Walks over to Goncar.*

"There's room enough for both of us, now that those curmudgeons are finished. Come, we can share the hill."

[Avaerilon]

*the sounds of clapping echoes throughout the throne room*

How very clever, UDS, but not clever enough, I fancy.

*gets up, removes garment, and rubs the greenish hue from his skin*

Mere paint, dear chap. Your solution was switched while your back was turned, distracted no doubt by your grappling with Ana, who is quite well I assure you, if a little drugged.

*nods at a man behind a pillar, who places a blow gun back into his robes, then leaves*

So crude of you to actually devise a method for my death, and a very clever one too, but quite uncouth and unpleasant, all the same. I had hoped that matters would not have to come to this, but I see I have no alternative. Would you enforce your decrees by such a method? Regardless, my dear sir, the time has come for us to part company.

*taps his foot on a flagstone, which clicks. Suddenly the flagstones under UDS retract, and the hapless would-be-poisoner falls through a long, slender shaft into a box-like contraption, lined with straw.*

You are in a containment vessel, which will be jettisoned and sent down the course of the river. You may end up in the realm of Oogivesastuffia within a week. Oh, and please do not fret about provisions; you have bread, cheese and water with you. Farewell, my dear chap.

*pulls a lever on the column, causing the flags to close together with a clink. The vessel into which UDS has been put judders and shifts, darkness enveloping the prisoner, before the square vessel is released by its pulleys, and cast into the underground river beneath the castle on the hill*

*Ava starts whistling "Sail Away" as the vessel emerges from the cave and is visible overground as it sails away past the hill*

Ah, if it isn't Goncar. Should you wish to have an appointment, I can very easily furnish one. Should you contest leadership, I may safely assure you that you will find no victory. Join me, and do yourself a favour. I even have a shiny plaque with your name on it

*waves golden plaque*

OOC: If UDS doesn't burn his way out of that box with a clever chemical formula or have a robot body double, I'll be deeply disappointed 

[Northern Inertia]

Brian, accompanied by a wheelbarrow filled to the brim with folders and assorted paperwork, enters the room rather more conspicuously than he had planned, getting stuck in the door for a brief moment.

"One second, I'll be right there! Just squeezing though!"

"No one expects the Inertian inquisition!" he shouts triumphantly, but not very convincingly, having finally made his way into the room (the contents of the wheelbarrow now spread out over a substantial area of impeccably mopped floor).
"Not that they have much reason, really, I don't really think there is such a thing... not that I know of, anyway. Anyway, I'm not a member. I'm from the Northern Inertian Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Point is, no one expects me, eh? See the connection? Don't tell me you expected me to appear. Before I got stuck in the doorway, that is."

At this point, Brian picks up the piece of paper closest to him.

"This here is an ancient document signed by my forefathers of my people, claiming this hill for the Inertian people for all eternity, dated... let me check, I don't quite remember... Oh. This here is actually the 2/1998 biquarterly report of the consulate at Luanda... Anyway, the relevant document is somewhere on this commendably shiny floor, and I am ready to bring in as many lawyers as needed to verify and defend it - provided they fit through that dastardly door, that is.

[United Democracy of Scientists]

And so Goncar's head was placed on a pike for defying the tyrant.

---

"What idiot king on the hill would have possibly installed a trap such as that? Ah, never mind. Where the hell am I? If I don't escape soon, the ship will leave."

UDS scoured the room only to find no exits or weaknesses before turning to the metal bars forming the barriers of the cage. 

"I wonder..."

A true Scientian always carried a miniature mass spectrometer in their pocket for sample identification. A spare scalpel from his lab coat and a scraping from the metal bars was placed in the sample reservoir of the machine.

MOLAR MASS: 118
"Bwahahaha! The old fool still calls tin mithril and thinks it has magical properties!"

A true Scientian also carries, among a myriad of things illegal in most other countries, a bag of thermite, magnesium ribbon, potassium permanganate, and glycerin.

The tin was no match. UDS sneaked off of the ship and swam ashore. The king of the hill would have to answer for his usurpation of the throne. 

[Avaerilon]

(I'll let Goncar answer before acting with regards to him)

*stares at Brian, before rolling his eyes as the ceiling*

Sir, if you wish to engage me in this affair, please schedule a meeting beforehand. You're only embarrassing yourself, scuttling about like an overgrown beetle. I am sure we can work this out in due course... here, let me help you with your papers...

*steals a look at a couple of important documents*

Now then, around 11 o'clock tonight suits me fine. I shall expect the Inertian presence at that hour

*has the guards bundle the protesting man out of the building with his wheelbarrow*

Now, what time is it...?

*looks at the clock*

Ah, I expect UDS will have filed, burned or otherwise spirited himself from the vessel by now. Good, we cannot afford not to be on time.

*strides over to the throne, knocks a certain way in a certain place, and disappears behind it, emerging several minutes later with an empty vial*

Hm, need more mercury for the fluid link...

*mutters about cloister bells as he goes off to his laboratory, tapping the hexagonal pillar in the centre of the room rather distractedly*

[United Democracy of Scientists]

*Ava turns his head to see UDS entering the throne room earlier than expected.*

"Oh don't tell me you're having those fantasies again of being a thousand year old time traveling alien! It's almost even more ridiculous than you magic delusions! What say you in your defense for attempting to destroy all that I have worked for? How many times have my geological tests on this hill been foiled by you?"

[Avaerilon]

Ah, you splendid to see you again so soon, UDS. As a matter of fact, I am under no such delusion, though I must congratulate you on recognising the features-

*Avaerilon presses a button, causing the top of the hexagonal pillar to retract into the ceiling, revealing a console*



Now, I propose once and for all to banish the situation that exists between us, my doubtful friend. For while I may not be a thousand year old time travelling alien, I am a time-travelling king.

*pulls a switch, and a strange, alien, grating noise ensues, the castle on the hill slowly fading to nothingness*

Now, how does Metebelis III sound to you? Fabulous blue crystals there you can dig for.

*pulls another switch and pulls down on a small lever, the noise ceasing with a booming thump*

And it seems we have arrived.

*the windows show a blue sun and a strange sky*

Well, it seems we have indeed. Shall we take this outside?

*pillar returns to cover the console*

[Mons Garle]

Deary me. Bickering is something Mons Garleans just can't abide. *Blasts UDS and Ana with a conveniently-located water hosepipe*

My hill!

[Avaerilon]

*looks at the wet individuals and then back at Mons Garle*

I didn't realise I had another visitor. Nevermind, as we are not actually on the Hill anymore, you may cease your vulgar noise-making as to that effect and step outside.

*opens the castle doors, revealing the blue skies and strange landscape*

[United Democracy of Scientists]

*UDS gasps and rushes outside.*

"Magnificent. He... The Assemblies must know."

*Walks over to Ava.*

"A charming device, indeed. Perhaps you could explain where we are?"

[Avaerilon]

This is the exotic and mysterious world of Metebelis III, located in the Acteon Galaxy. The blue light is partly due to that brilliant blue-coloured moon orbiting around us, and the entire planet basks in that light during night-time. Now, as for getting here, we de-materialised from the Hill and travelled through space and time to this place, re-materialising here. I should say... we are approximately one hundred years ahead in the future. No people live on this planet yet, though there is some very... interesting wildlife. And then there are of course the magnificent blue crystals.

[United Democracy of Scientists]

*Collects crystal and regolith samples.*

"That is all well and good, but this... Metebelis. There is no use for me to stay here without peers and proper infrastructure to research with. Perhaps you could drop me off at the hill? During our time, of course."

[Goncar]

I could return to be your servant like I was in the very beginning of this. I've learned two is better than one.

[Deleted]

Servants do not own hills, only Masters like myself.

*leashes Goncar*

[United Democracy of Scientists]

It's a good time to reclaim my throne after a temporary abdication.

[Lawattsia]

... And just like that, I decided I wanted it for myself.

[United Democracy of Scientists]

I've endured many usurpers. You should be easy in comparison.

*Reopens digging operations.*

[Lawattsia]

But then I re-usurped you. :P

[Lamatama]

Then the re-usurper was usurped themselves..

[United Democracy of Scientists]

*Whacks the usurpers with digging equipment.*

[Avaerilon]

*looks around, sniffs, sits down on the throne*

It's good to be back

[Goncar]

Excuse you.....

[Lawattsia]

I'll take that, thank you.

[Eggy216]

*cough*

[Free Newdepolderian States]

*aggressively vaults over back of throne, sliding into a haphazard sitting position*
Thanks much, dear friends.