Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2012 12:36:17 GMT
Hi everyone. I'm doing and OOC, but i'm a newbie in doing that, so i need tips or suggestions to make it good. Can you read my application and judge it?
Here is my sign up application. Read it befor reading my OOC forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=196844&start=50#wrap
and this is the text of the OOC.
Raleigh, Council Building
The young explorer waited impatiently behind the heavy door. He was waiting that the door opened so that he could meet David. Yes, he was going to meet bodily David Haley, the Head of the Council of Chiefs. And he wasn't nervous only about that. He was called with three of his companions, for the assignment of a mission. That was the first time he received a serious mission. And with serious, Mike meant not a reconnaissance mission or a help to peasant, but a real exploration in an unknown territory. They had to wait much longer? And why they were putting so much to call them?
"Ehi guys, in your opinion what mission they will assign to us?" finally asked Mike to get rid of tension
Absolute silence. For a moment it seemed that no one had heard, or wanted to hear him. But suddenly another boy talked
"Uh, what? Sorry i wasn't listening. What have you said?"
"Oh, nothing Joe, I only wondered wich mission they will assign to us " reply Mike puzzled, he did not expect a question as an answer
"Well, if I have to guess..." answered from Chester, leaning against the wall "...i think that they are going to send us exploring. After all we are 16, we have reached the minimum age for be Rover, we are trained enough to explore unknown lands"
"Maybe you are right. This explains why we were called by the Council, and David himself." says Miriam, the only girl in the group
"But where they are going send us? If, of course, they ARE going to send us somewhere. I think that we will assist a ceremony or something else, nothing special at once. There is no reason to guess what they will say to us, we can only wait. Take it easy friends." replied quiet Joe. He had always been very quiet, but the tranquility was sometimes quite annoying, especially when you had to work hard or defend against mutated freaks. And then it gave him that air damn which all the girls loved , and so ended up rubbing all the girls in town. Many boys hated him for it.
Finally the doors opened and a voice called them.
They timidly entered the great hall, transformed from immemorial time in a kind of senate, after building the counters for the various leaders of the council. There were no windows and the lighting was provided by torches at different sides of the room. A large purple banner, ruined and torn by time, with a white lily towered the hall and right in front of the banner was sitting David.
The boys stopped in the middle of the room and saluted all the chiefs but immediately a woman approached them and gave each of them a red patch.
"What you have in hand is not just a piece of cloth"began David "It 's the symbol of your maturity, your path, and everything for which you have fought so far. That is the Third Stage. Congratulations explorers. You have reached the highest level of your path. For now."
The boys were puzzled. They did not expect nor a ceremony took nor that itwas done so quickly. If they had been promoted to the third stage they were about to give them a great mission!
"Well guys, now that we have finished with the formal things we go to the point." said an old chief sat near David. "You have been promoted for a reason. You are 16, this is the age when all guys of the Scouts Militia make a decision. To continue or not with their path. We have no time, so we are honest with you: Who is not going to keep bait out of here."
No one of the group came out
"Okay, so we have four aspiring rover and sentinells. Well, here's the mission. Frontier rovers and explorers of the border have reported an increase in the activities of neo-Malthusians. You do not need to know that genocidal fanatics are a threat not only to all Raleigh, but also for the surrounding areas. So, you have to cross the border and find out what's going on. Also, if you meet communities you have to enter in touch with them and begin to establish diplomatic relations. The region you are going to explore is the Piedmont, a central region of what was once North Caroline. You have to walk for three days before reach the border. Until you are in our area there should be no problems, but once outside, everything will depend on you. All clear? Questions?"
Mike was excited. Excited and scared at the same time. They were really to be sent out exploring uncharted territory. What would they find? Someone would be killed? They would give them weapons? Mike had a whirlwind of thoughts in my head when Miriam asked a question
"But sir, it's true that we are 16, we are skilled and trained, but it's not too dangerous to send four kids in an unexplored territory, and more with the threat of neo-Malthusian?"
"Well, if you put the question thus it makes sense that it would be reckless to do so. But for this will be accompanied by someone more experienced than you. Micheal, you can also stop being like a shadow behind our novices"
All boys turned . There was actually a guy behind them.
"How the hell did he do?" he wondered silently Chester
The man stood in line together with the boys. His step was light, almost not felt. Mike looked him well: he could see that he was a rover. His clothes were torn and stained with mud, he was carrying a knife in the leg protected by a leather holster. A scarlet scarf surrounded his neck, while on the left shoulder of the sweater he had attached a patch depicting a white eagle on a black background. His face was even more indicative. Completely shaven he had a beard made the good and better, and a giant scar covering a good part of the face.
"He is Micheal. Micheal, they are your novice. Your task is to test their reaction in an hostile territory and to escort them. Clear?"
"Clear"
"All right" says David. "Go to the armory, they will give you firearms and a training to use them. Good luck, and good road explorers. May God be with you"
The group came out the hall.
The journey had just begun
Do you think there are grammatical errors? Or layout errors? O maybe there are some improvements that i can make? I need suggestions.
Here is my sign up application. Read it befor reading my OOC forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=196844&start=50#wrap
and this is the text of the OOC.
Raleigh, Council Building
The young explorer waited impatiently behind the heavy door. He was waiting that the door opened so that he could meet David. Yes, he was going to meet bodily David Haley, the Head of the Council of Chiefs. And he wasn't nervous only about that. He was called with three of his companions, for the assignment of a mission. That was the first time he received a serious mission. And with serious, Mike meant not a reconnaissance mission or a help to peasant, but a real exploration in an unknown territory. They had to wait much longer? And why they were putting so much to call them?
"Ehi guys, in your opinion what mission they will assign to us?" finally asked Mike to get rid of tension
Absolute silence. For a moment it seemed that no one had heard, or wanted to hear him. But suddenly another boy talked
"Uh, what? Sorry i wasn't listening. What have you said?"
"Oh, nothing Joe, I only wondered wich mission they will assign to us " reply Mike puzzled, he did not expect a question as an answer
"Well, if I have to guess..." answered from Chester, leaning against the wall "...i think that they are going to send us exploring. After all we are 16, we have reached the minimum age for be Rover, we are trained enough to explore unknown lands"
"Maybe you are right. This explains why we were called by the Council, and David himself." says Miriam, the only girl in the group
"But where they are going send us? If, of course, they ARE going to send us somewhere. I think that we will assist a ceremony or something else, nothing special at once. There is no reason to guess what they will say to us, we can only wait. Take it easy friends." replied quiet Joe. He had always been very quiet, but the tranquility was sometimes quite annoying, especially when you had to work hard or defend against mutated freaks. And then it gave him that air damn which all the girls loved , and so ended up rubbing all the girls in town. Many boys hated him for it.
Finally the doors opened and a voice called them.
They timidly entered the great hall, transformed from immemorial time in a kind of senate, after building the counters for the various leaders of the council. There were no windows and the lighting was provided by torches at different sides of the room. A large purple banner, ruined and torn by time, with a white lily towered the hall and right in front of the banner was sitting David.
The boys stopped in the middle of the room and saluted all the chiefs but immediately a woman approached them and gave each of them a red patch.
"What you have in hand is not just a piece of cloth"began David "It 's the symbol of your maturity, your path, and everything for which you have fought so far. That is the Third Stage. Congratulations explorers. You have reached the highest level of your path. For now."
The boys were puzzled. They did not expect nor a ceremony took nor that itwas done so quickly. If they had been promoted to the third stage they were about to give them a great mission!
"Well guys, now that we have finished with the formal things we go to the point." said an old chief sat near David. "You have been promoted for a reason. You are 16, this is the age when all guys of the Scouts Militia make a decision. To continue or not with their path. We have no time, so we are honest with you: Who is not going to keep bait out of here."
No one of the group came out
"Okay, so we have four aspiring rover and sentinells. Well, here's the mission. Frontier rovers and explorers of the border have reported an increase in the activities of neo-Malthusians. You do not need to know that genocidal fanatics are a threat not only to all Raleigh, but also for the surrounding areas. So, you have to cross the border and find out what's going on. Also, if you meet communities you have to enter in touch with them and begin to establish diplomatic relations. The region you are going to explore is the Piedmont, a central region of what was once North Caroline. You have to walk for three days before reach the border. Until you are in our area there should be no problems, but once outside, everything will depend on you. All clear? Questions?"
Mike was excited. Excited and scared at the same time. They were really to be sent out exploring uncharted territory. What would they find? Someone would be killed? They would give them weapons? Mike had a whirlwind of thoughts in my head when Miriam asked a question
"But sir, it's true that we are 16, we are skilled and trained, but it's not too dangerous to send four kids in an unexplored territory, and more with the threat of neo-Malthusian?"
"Well, if you put the question thus it makes sense that it would be reckless to do so. But for this will be accompanied by someone more experienced than you. Micheal, you can also stop being like a shadow behind our novices"
All boys turned . There was actually a guy behind them.
"How the hell did he do?" he wondered silently Chester
The man stood in line together with the boys. His step was light, almost not felt. Mike looked him well: he could see that he was a rover. His clothes were torn and stained with mud, he was carrying a knife in the leg protected by a leather holster. A scarlet scarf surrounded his neck, while on the left shoulder of the sweater he had attached a patch depicting a white eagle on a black background. His face was even more indicative. Completely shaven he had a beard made the good and better, and a giant scar covering a good part of the face.
"He is Micheal. Micheal, they are your novice. Your task is to test their reaction in an hostile territory and to escort them. Clear?"
"Clear"
"All right" says David. "Go to the armory, they will give you firearms and a training to use them. Good luck, and good road explorers. May God be with you"
The group came out the hall.
The journey had just begun
Do you think there are grammatical errors? Or layout errors? O maybe there are some improvements that i can make? I need suggestions.